Spring

*

And then, and then, the obsession broke, he came back into himself, life was glorious and he was sane and they danced till the early hours and woke up in sandwiches and thought, for everything that has happene3d, for all the hard times, for those years, isolated, walking at dawn, walking at two am, never sleeping, never sleeping, through the long hours. Was it worth it all to arrive at this point? Nothing mattered. I'll tell them I found you up a river in the tropics, James said, Colonel Kurtz, the Heart of Darkness, the first person from his old life he had seen since his work farewell. Nothing made sense and that didn't matter. Gary, Gary, don't say those things. Take control, take control, well he finally had; properly; and now; when money equalled power, everything was back in proportion. Mai pen rai. Never mind. A person is lurking in the dark. A stranger. Someone with a gift of darkness. Beware. Strangers in strange parks; easy lays, voices that were discontent, tall, dark, no doubt handsome in a lost way, cruising. These dangers were always present. It was easy to be killed. He made his way through the bushes. It was clear nothing was going to happen. I don't want to go home, he repeated, sitting at a mobile street bar at 2am, watching the night sky, watching everything pass, equal, equal, the shadows of their former selves, watching, talking to the mamma sans, this is what I want. At least he knew now exactly what it was he wanted.

And it wasn't heroin and it wasn't oblivion; here in the sins of the equally corrupt flesh; the flesh he had tried to use to lose himself, to wipe away all consciousness and self awareness; and instead had found a different being; walking, walking, for the talk, you know, lady, lady, for the talking, you no like? These endless phrases repeated through the ricocheting nights. And time stood still; and was marked, marked, for all to see, the time and again times; the night times, the way things were. He could only laugh in triumph. Finally the wave had reached the shore. Finally someone understood. Their demands were easy, promiscuous, marked by all sorts of devil marks and yet forgiven, in the kind flesh, in the marked ways, in demons that were there to9 welcome you if you strayed from the path. That was why it was so important to get back on to solid ground. All things were not lost, in fact they had come to some kind of fruition. But in the shadows, marked in the shadows, he could only feel that pleasure equals pain and watching someone else fuck was like losing the pin from a grenade, andf everything was going to blow, sky high in the demon light, for all to see, take care, take care, take care of yourself, love yourself, they kept repeating; and in these invisible ways he had now done just that. All was not lost.

And so he kept on going. Could never sleep. Reverted to his former self; out and about, this and that, working, writing, reading, talking; shadows of their formers selves; I'm so hungover it's ridiculous he cheerfully declared, sexually satiated and deeply amused; and not alone, above all not alone. I think that's what was at the heart of it, he thought; and all things moved quietly and quickly; and God was nigh and all things were alright; and shadows moved out of sight and he wasn't going to look, because over the precipice was another life he never wanted, another place too lonely to bear; walking, walking, through the shadows into the light, breaking out, Thai massages, Thai sex workers, easy privilege, vast expense. A heroin habit would be cheaper, he also cheerfully declared. He hadn't had so much fun in years. And so when the obsession finally broke and he could have sex with women again; it was like a relief; gusts of rain on a very early spring day, the daffodils lined along the English lane, the freezing cold of the surrounding hills, the birth of his daughter, the fragile limpid ways of them all, the hash dealing, those astonishingly picturesque valleys, those ways, our ways, our past. Here there was no consequence and no linkage. Never colonised; the place was organic in its heart. Apart from the tourists, and it was not tourist season, there weren't all
those people from everywhere else; there weren't the displaced anglos grizzling on talk back radio; there weren't the mad clash of cultures which led to such dysfunction, such as sense of not belonging; and so he reveled in a place and a heart and a desire he had never known.

THE BIGGER STORY:

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english2010/world/2010-05/18/c_13300819.htm

BANGKOK, May 18 (Xinhua) -- Thailand's red-shirts core leader Nattawut Saikua said Tuesday morning that he accepts an offer by the senate speaker to mediate peace talks between the anti- government protesters and the government, according to Thai PBS TV.

At the Ratchaprasong rally site in downtown Bangkok, Nattawut said the red-shirts leaders agreed to take part in peace talks, as proposed by the senate, in order to avoid more loss of lives.

The Senate Speaker Prasobsuk Boondej Monday offered to mediate a new round of peace talks to end the on-going clashes between troops and the red-shirts, which has claimed at least 37 lives since May 14.

The government's response to the latest statement by red-shirts is yet to know, though the deputy PM's secretary general Panithan Wattanayakorn said Monday afternoon peace talks can only resume after the protesters end the rally in Ratchaprasong.

Thousands of red-shirts, many of them women, still stayed at the main rally site, defying a deadline set by the government earlier to order them to leave by 3:00 p.m. Monday.

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